Affairs of Heart
by Trinity Kouya Hime-sama
Summary: What if Spike hadn't been the doctor in as you were what if things had gone diffrently. A Spuffy story, with some TaraWillow and AnyaXander. ON HOLD
1. Chapter 1

This starts out during season five, in the episode of "As you were"

"Well, looky here. I don't usually use the word delicious... but I've gotta wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh? Me and your former? Must kill. What can I say? Girl just needs a little monster in her man" Spike said smugly as he looked at Riley.

"That's not why I'm here ... Doctor" Riley said coldly, and Spike gave him an odd slightly confused look.

"Oh god." Buffy said looking horrified and she shot Spike a pleading look, as if begging him not to have done it, not to humiliate her more.

"Here I thought we'd run you out of town, mate" Spike said sounding irritated.

Buffy got up, holding the sheet tightly, and grabbed her clothes and left the room.

"Last time I saw you, if memory serves, you were getting the juice sucked out of you by some undead ladies of very questionable reputation" Spike said tauntingly.

Riley looked away as Spike pulled on his pants.

"Now, be a good tin soldier and, uh..." Spike said trailing off as he gestured to the door.

"Where are they ... Doctor?" Riley said coldly.

"Where are what, and why do you keep calling me that?" Spike said.

"Glad to be back in Sunnydale. The locals all speak English, and I know who to beat for information. It's all brought me here" Riley said sounding almost pleased.

"Look, crew cut. She's not your bint any more. And if I can speak frankly, she always had a little thing for me, even when she was shagging you" Spike said smugly.

"Nice. That's very distracting. Now tell me, before I get unprofessional... where are the eggs, Spike?" Riley snapped as he pointed his gun at Spike.

"Eggs? You're off your nut. It must be those drugs they were keeping you on. I did warn you" Spike said.

"Okay. We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the fatal way. Where are the eggs?" Riley snapped and punched him as Buffy walked in fully clothed.

"Look, the Doctor, it can't be Spike." Buffy said,

"Look I don't have your bleeding eggs" Spike said.

"Funny, you say that like you know something about them" Riley said.

"Yeah well, I'll admit to that, no harm there. But I ain't your bleeding doctor and I don't have the bloody eggs" Spike insisted.

"You knew something about the doctor, and you did not tell me" Buffy accused.

"Well I did plan to eventually, but you said it wasn't too urgent, you did not make like it was an end of the world deal. You did not seem like you were in a hurry, so I was planning on telling you a little later, you kinda distracted me" Spike said.

"Just shut up, how do you know about the eggs?" Buffy snapped.

"Well, an associate of mine offered them to me, and wanted me to hold them for him, but I turned him down" Spike told them.

"Sure you did" Riley said.

"Look captain cardboard, I may not be a bloody saint, and I'll admit this kind of thing is my style, but I ain't completely daft, you don't bring illegal merchandise to the same place were you shag the slayer" Spike told them, and Buffy winced.

"Somehow I just can't find it in me to believe you, I'm not leaving this place till I find them, Doctor" Riley said.

"You can stop calling me that any time" Spike snapped.

"Riley this is pointless, Spike, I mean he is not good, but he doesn't do this now, not anymore" Buffy said.

"We'll see" Riley said and he headed down the ladder.

"There ain't nothing to see down here" Spike said following and gesturing to the room, where there were not any eggs; there was however a pair of black panties on the bed.

Spike reached for them and snatched them up and said "Oh luv, you left this last time, thought you might want it back. But maybe its best to leave it here, so you have a spare for the next time you can't find them, that seems to happen a lot" Spike said.

"God, just shut up Spike" Buffy pleaded.

"Fine, you're no fun" Spike said.

"We'll I'll admit, it doesn't look like they are here" Riley said.

"Thank god" Buffy said under her breath.

"Well I bloody well did tell you that, but no, of course no one listens to me" Spike said.

"Can you shut him up?" Riley asked.

"Not so far" Buffy replied.

"Wonderful" Riley muttered.

"So do tell, what kinda time table are we on now?" Spike asked.

"We?" Riley said.

"Yeah well, looks like I'm gonna be dragged into this" Spike said.

"What makes you say that" Riley asked.

"Well I was assuming you'd want me to find that associate of mine, the one who offered the eggs, but hey, you don't want my help, that's fine by me. I wouldn't mind getting a bit of sleep, I'm knackered, I had a busy night" Spike said.

"Fine, let's go. I'd like to find these things before they hatch" Riley said.

"Oh joy, this is just like old times" Spike muttered.

"Hardly" Riley muttered.

"True, this time I've got the girl" Spike said.

"I have a girl, and frankly you so much as say the wrong word to my wife I'll stake you" Riley said.

"Wife… Well that explains some things" Spike said flashing a hurt look at Buffy, clearly having figured out why she came to him.

Buffy got a guilty look on her face and she said "Spike, its not…"

"Don't, don't even lie to me. You may not like the fact, you may even hate it, but I know you. I should have figured there was a reason like that, but I was just too happy at the idea of you coming to me like that" Spike said.

"I'm sorry" Buffy whispered.

"Yeah, I know" Spike said sadly and he walked out.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh you're back" Spike said getting up as Buffy walked in.

"Yes" Buffy said shortly.

"Figures, should have guessed that after seeing the happy couple fly off into the night you'd be back here for a bit of cold comfort" Spike said.

"That's not why I'm here" Buffy said.

"Oh, and why that then?" Spike asked.

"Look Spike, I'm glad it wasn't you. I was worried for a minute" Buffy said.

"Thanks for all the faith love" Spike said.

"I can't do this, its killing me. I'm using you, and it's not fair to you or me. I'm can't love you, I'm not sure I can love at all. I just, you need trust for love, and I can't live worrying that you might be behind something. It's just too much. I'm sorry Spike, its over" Buffy said.

"I know this tune luv; hell I think I have the bloody sheet music. That doesn't change what you want" Spike told her.

"I know, I do want you. When I'm with you, it's less complicated. When I'm with you I feel alive, its one of the only times I feel alive. But its wrong, it's like a drug. It's not helping me, and it's not healthy. I do want you, and I may always, but I'm going to have to be strong. I can't keep doing this, I can't keep allowing this to kill me. Spike, I miss having you to talk to, as a friend. This shouldn't have happened, but you were the only one who was there. And I appreciate it, I know I wouldn't be here if I hadn't had you. But I have to stand on my own, I can't keep falling back on this twisted relationship that we have. The violence and the anger of it, it's doing things to me I don't like. It's not your fault, and I know that. I know that if I allowed it, you'd let this be more normal, but I'm just not able to have the right now. I'm just so full of anger and hurt and raw edges and I can't feel, except when I'm with you. But I need to start living for real. Things are just too screwed up already, and everything is falling apart. I have to pull myself together, and this, us, its not helping anymore, it got me away from the dark place I was in. but it only got me to here, in the shadows, and if I want to go back out into the light, I have to stop doing this. I'm so sorry, I hate that I used you, and that I hurt you. I wish it was different, that I could give you want you want and deserve. But I can't. I'm sorry" Buffy told him.

Spike stood there, shocked. Finally he said "I'm not sure what to say, I mean I want to tell you all these reason not to go. But anything I say after that will come off as selfish, and I don't want to cause you more pain. But I can't just let it all go, let you go" Spike said.

"You don't have a choice" Buffy said.

"We'll see, I'll find a way. I don't know how, or what. But I'll find a way of making this work, of making the changes you need, to help you. I love you, and I won't just let this slip away. I know you're not in a good place, believe me that hasn't escaped me. And I wish sometimes that I could find a way to help you get yourself back, to find what you lost. But you have to do that for yourself. And I'm glad you want to, but I will find a way of fitting myself into the life. Somehow I will do it" Spike said.

"I don't know if that's possible" Buffy said.

"I'll make it possible. I'm not going to loose you" Spike told her.

"I'm not sure you really ever had me, I'm not sure I have me" Buffy said.

"I know, but I will find a way. No matter what the cost, I will find a way" Spike said.

"I have to go, its part of this new change thing. I need to spend more time with Dawn, and my friends" Buffy said.

"So go" Spike said.

"I'm sorry" Buffy said softly as she walked out.


	3. Chapter 3

"She really went" Spike said sadly, not really that surprised, but hurt all the same.

Spike stared at the walls of his crypt and pondered his next move. Seeing no easy answer plainly written out on the wall for him, he began to pace. "Dammit! There has to be a way, I won't loose this, I won't bloody loose her!"

"So how do I fit into her life in a healthy way? Is it even possible for me to do that? I'm a soulless vampire, all I can do is lead her further into the darkness" Spike muttered to himself.

"A soulless vampire… That's it!" Spike cried out in excitement. "I need to get my soul back!"

The excitement of his realization immediately wore off, as he realized what he had just said. Get his soul back, and easy thing to say, but much much harder to actually do. "Alright, lets think, there are always myths and such about magical spells and such, after all Willow and the gypsies used spells to give that bastard Angel back his soul, so there must be a way."

He raced his mind, well spells immediately led to thoughts of Willow, but with her trying to get off magic, that might not be wise. "Tara?" Spike wondered out loud to himself. They hadn't ever really been close or known each other, but she had always been kind to him, and actually had been a witch far longer than Willow. "Maybe she might know some spell that could bring my soul back, it's worth a shot."

SBSBSBSBSBSBSBSBS

"I'm coming!" Tara called out, hearing a knock at that door. Slowly she opened it, wondering who it could be at this hour.

"Spike?" She exclaimed in surprise.

"Hey…" Spike said trailing off awkwardly. "Sorry to bother you so late at night, but I kinda had something to ask you about."

"Oh, sure, right" Tara said confused, moving back from the door and opening it wider, she waited for him to come in.

"Um, love, you have to invite me in" Spike reminded her.

"Oh, right, of course!" Tara said embarrassed. "Please come in Spike."

"Thanks" Spike said coming in slowly, and Tara closed the door behind him.

"I'll make some tea" Tara called out hurrying to boil some water.

"You don't have to do that, it's only me after all" Spike said.

"What kind do you want?" Tara said ignoring that statement.

"Anything's fine" Spike replied amused.

Minutes later she handed him a steaming cup, which he sipped at politely.

"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well, I wanted to ask you if you knew of any spells that could get a soul back?"

Tara looked at him in shock, "You want to get your soul back?"

"Well, yeah…" Spike said trailing off looking uncomfortable.

"I see" Tara said remembering her talk with Buffy, and the nature of his current relationship with her. "For Buffy?"

"Yeah, I mean I know she doesn't want me and all that, but I love her and I don't know it seemed like if I even want a chance to have something with her, this might be the only way" Spike told her sadly.

"I was under the impression that you already had something with her" Tara said cautiously.

Spike's head jerked up in shock, "What?"

"Buffy told me, or rather she came to me when it was realized that you could hit her, she wanted to see what was wrong with her, and so the whole story came out" Tara told him.

"Oh, well, that's over. She called that quits today" Spike said sadly.

"I see, why?"

"'cause it isn't healthy for her, and she wants to have a real life again. And I don't want to stop her, I know that she's not right right now; I've known she was in a bad place, and staying with me like this is not helping her. But I don't want to loose her, and well, I thought maybe if I had a soul that I could have something with her when she was okay again" Spike told her.

Tara nodded in understanding, and smiled to herself, glad for her friend's sake that she was wanting to be herself again. "I understand, that's really very selfless of you Spike."

"I know, not really my nature, but she's always leading me to do things outside of my nature, so I guess it's no big surprise."

"And so in order to help her you want to get your soul back, and you though I might know some way how?" Tara inquired.

"Yeah, I know it's a long shot, but Angel got his soul back by magic, so I thought maybe…"

"I couldn't do a spell like that; Willow might be able to…" Tara trailed off looking worried.

"Don't worry, I won't ask Red to do any magic" Spike told her.

"Thank you. I don't really know of any spells to restore ones soul" Tara told him.

Spike sighed miserably "Well like I said, it was a long shot."

Tara sat silently, thinking to herself, digging through her memories for myths and rumors, anything useful. "Wait, I just thought of something. Its an even bigger long shot than asking me, but… well its just a rumor or a myth, but its told of a cave in Africa where some demon is, that if you pass the trials it will grant your deepest desire or wish."

Spike looked at her, intrigued. "Really?"

"Like I said it's only a rumor, so I don't know how much of its true, but that's what I've heard."

"Well then I guess it's off to Africa" Spike said with a slight smile.

"Just like that, you're going to go chasing after a myth?" Tara asked in shock.

"Well it's not like I have a lot of other ideas or options in front of me, so I gotta do something."

"But even if you get to Africa, how will you manage, I mean finding things out and so on, its Africa, its hot and sunny like most of the day, you won't stand a chance" Tara told him worried.

"It's more of a chance than I stand of lasting here just watching her slip away" Spike told her solemnly.

Tara thought to herself for a moment, before coming to a decision, "Would you mind if I went with you? It's my summer vacation right now, and I'd been hoping to get out of Sunnydale for awhile to think"

"What? You want to come to Africa with me? Why? Its not like we've ever been close, you don't have any reason to help me" Spike told her.

"Maybe, but you've always been kind to me. And besides, I too think that you getting a soul would end up helping Buffy. And I really do want to get out of here for a little while to think things over, away from everything. Africa is a fascinating place, there are some mystics and shamans there that I would love to ask some questions about. I hear they have an interesting healing technique there that I would love to find out about."

"You seriously want to come to Africa with me and chase after a rumor" Spike asked.

"Yes, if you don't mind having me with you" Tara told him.

"No, I don't mind but I still don't understand"

"Knowing you and your impulsive nature, I imagine you want to leave right now"

"Well, I had kinda thought of that" Spiked replied.

"I'm fine with that, I just need to back a backpack and leave a message to the gang" Tara told him.

"Don't tell them where or why we are going" Spike requested.

"Alright, why don't you come back in an hour?" Tara asked.

"ummm, okay love, I'll be back then" Spike said and with a baffled look on his face, left.


End file.
